Kurt's iPod Monologues
by Psychedelic-City
Summary: Who has been plagued with the deadly disease that is love, but me. I've been reduced to nothing but a lovesick puppy sitting in my bedroom late at night listening to sad love songs - A series of monologues based on some of Kurt's favorite songs.
1. I Want You

**AN**: Hey! This is my first Glee story. It's a Kurt one-shot, but I might turn it into a series of one-shots if you guys like it. I really enjoyed writing this, and it would make my life if you reviewed! So... here goes! :)

**I Want You**

_I want you_

_I want you so bad_

_I want you_

_I want you so bad _

_It's driving me mad_

_It's driving me mad_

I am drowning in these lyrics. No, seriously. They're ringing in my ears, pounding in my brain, pulsing through my bloodstream, captivating my very existence. Well, that's not such a bad thing, I mean, it's a classic Beatles, duh. Although, I didn't really like the interpretation of it in Across the Universe. (Oh my God, best movie _ever_)I mean, as much as I love hot men dancing in their underwear, he whole thing was just kinda like when I wanted to put on a puppet show with my little cousin Teddy's action figures... awkward and depressing.

But no, all jokes aside, this song really goes touch base for me right now. Love is a powerful thing. It takes over your entire being. It changes who you are, controls what you do... it's maddening. It's _poisonous. _And who has been plagued with the deadly disease that is love, but me. It's ridiculous. It's like, I'll do _anything _for him, all he has to do is ask. I've been reduced to nothing but a babbling, lovesick puppy sitting in my bedroom late at night listening to sad love songs.

Yes, he. You heard me right. I'm gay. I've known for... uh... a _really_ long time now. Ever since I was a little kid, I've known I was different. While all the boys played with building blocks in pre-school, I sat with the girls and drew pictures of clothes. My dad tried to get me to watch movies like Karate Kid and Star Wars, but all I wanted to do was sit in my mom's arms and watch Singing in the Rain. I remember when she taught me the steps to the "Good Morning" dance. I picked it up almost instantly, and I knew I had found what I loved to do. We put on a show for my dad, one day. It was the greatest feeling in the world, performing, and knowing I was good. When we were done, she turned to my dad and said "Look at our little boy; he's gifted!" My dad just nodded and attempted a smile. She died three weeks after that. I was six.

Anyway... what was I saying? Oh, right. I really knew when I was eleven. It was my first year of Junior High School, and we were starting P.E. You know, _real_ P.E., where you change into uniforms, not just run after each other like Tina on those pills Mrs. Shue gave us. It was my worst nightmare - I was mandated to play sports with these gorillas who were three times my size? It was practically _suicide. _Then, in the locker rooms, the first guy, I don't even remember his name, took his shirt off - and it was just _mesmerizing. _Then it all just clicked. I didn't know what to do about it.

Whatever. I know who I am now, and I'm proud... just sometimes I wish it wasn't that way. I would never admit it, but every time someone makes a completely uncreative and childish comment about my sexuality, it hurts. And that phone call to my dad was actually _really_ scary. There are some pretty scary psychos out there who could do _anything_... I'm scared. I truly am.

I'm also truly, hopelessly in love... emphasis on the _hopelessly_. I can still hear Rachel Berry's voice, clear as day, pounding in my ears -

"It doesn't matter if I'm second, or fiftieth, but I'll still be ahead of you because I'm a _girl_!"

She's right.

She's right, and I _hate _it.

He's never going to be mine.

None of those wonderful fantasies will ever come true.

He's the popular, handsome quarterback who's dating the beautiful cheerleader (well... ex-cheerleader) who is carrying his child. And I'm just the sorry fruity kid who would do just about anything for him to just _look _ at me.

I want him.

I want him so bad.

I want him so bad it's driving me mad

It's driving me mad.


	2. What Is This Feeling

AN: Hello to all! Thanks for reviewing/alerting/faving, I appreciate it! So I have decided to do one of these after every episode, so this is the one that goes along with "Mattress". It's gonna be kinda hard to do them during the hiatus, but that's what fillers are for ;D I thought of going back and doing one for the previous 10 episodes, but that would be too confusing. Anyway, this is a song I've been wanting them to do on Glee for a while now. Does anyone else think Kurt and Rachel have major Elphaba/Galinda potential?

_Loathing! Unadulterated loathing! _

_For your face, your voice, your clothing! _

_Let's just say- I loath it all!_

_Every little trait how ever small makes my very flesh begin to crawl _

_With simple utter loathing! _

_There's a strange exhilaration in such total detestation. _

_It's so pure, so strong! _

_Though I do admit, it came on fast, still I do believe that it can last. _

_And I will be loahing, loathing you my whole life long!_

Wicked, ahhh, Wicked. I wasn't kidding when I said I have an entire iPod shuffle dedicated to songs from Wicked. I really do. My aunt gave it to me for my birthday last year, but I already had an iTouch, so I didn't really know what to do with it. It was green, so I decided to put anything Wicked related in it. Now, ever time I'm in the mood for Wicked (which is quite often) I don't have to go through my 5.427 song iTouch to find it. Aren't I brilliant?

This has got to be one of my favorite songs in the whole show, besides Defying Gravity. _Nothing _is better than Defying Gravity. That song just gives you a sort of sense that anything is possible… it's invigorating. It really bothers me that Mr. Shue wanted us to sing the Idina remix of the song. I doesn't even have the epic "So if you care to find me…" bit that gives me chills. Yeah, pretty upset about that. I'm even more upset that I blew that note. I wanted that song _so bad_. And I _did_ sing it better than Rachel, if I may say so myself. I could've gotten it… but then again, I don't wanna get killed. It's just so unfair that I can't sing my all-time favorite song because people in the stupid cow-town are too ignorant and intolerant to deal with that fact that I'm a boy and I can hit a high F! Dammit!

But… I don't want me or my dad or anyone I care about to get hurt. I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

So now, of course, Rachel Berry is going to sing _my song_ in front of those judges at sectionals, and they're gonna _love_ it, and it's just gonna be soooo perfect… because Rachel gets everything. She gets the song. She gets all the solos. She gets the recognition. She gets Finn.

Oh, come one, you _know _it's gonna happen! Finn and Quinn are hanging by a thread; she treats him like _shit_. It's _so_ wrong! It's like giving a pair of Armani jeans to Patches, the hobo in front of the library. SO WRONG! And you _know_ they're gonna break up sooner or later! Rachel and Finn are already all cozy, singing lead together for like _every_ song, screwing each other with their eyes, twirling around merrily, all gushy and EW! It's _**sickening**_.

Then today she comes up to me, asking if I wanted to do some sore of gay-les-ball or whatever with her and I'm just like OH MY GOD RACHEL BERRY GET OUT OF MY FACE! I mean, since when is she lesbian? Hmm, I don't see her staring at anyone but Finn, much less another girl! Is she purposely trying to piss me off?

Ahh! I _hate _her!

I absolutely, completely, totally, utterly… _**loathe **_**her.**

Just like this song!

Every single thing about her makes me want to vomit.

Her face. She always has this pouty face or this over enthusiastic smile. *Gags* And her clothes – don't even get me started. Although, I do admit she has improved slightly since my little "makeover"…

Her voice, well, you can't deny it, she can sing. Although, sometimes it gets to the point where it sounds like she's having an orgasm… but she can sing.

It's JUST like Elphie and Galinda. We just absolutely hate each other and then… wait a minute. I'm forgetting how this story ends…

_Hahahahahahahahaha!_ Me and Rachel?

Best friends?

As Mercedes would say – oh HELL no!


	3. Thank Goodness

**Thank Goodness**

_That's why I couldn't be happier_

_No, I couldn't be happier_

_Though it is, I admit the tiniest bit unlike I anticipated._

_But I couldn't be happier, simply couldn't be happier_

_Well - not "simply":_

_'Cause getting your dream_

_It's strange, but it seems a little - well – complicated._

_There's a kind of a sort of… cost._

_There's a couple of things get… lost._

_There are bridges you cross you didn't know you crossed until you've crossed._

_And if that joy, that thrill doesn't thrill you like you think it will_

_Still - _

_With this perfect finale, the cheers and ballyhoo_

_Who wouldn't be happier?_

_So I couldn't be happier_

_Because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true!_

_---_

We won.

Yes!

We came together in the midst of disaster, worked as a team and put on a great show!

There's nothing like the sweet taste of VICTORY! Especially when your opponents cheated! Oh yeah, there's nothing like beating some cheaters. Well, I know Coach Sylvester told them to cheat, but they didn't actually have to do it, right? Ha, a school for the deaf and a reformatory school cheating on a showchoir competition? Seriously?

Anyway, I couldn't be happier. I'm finally part of something that doesn't completely suck. And what better way to celebrate then to lie in my room and listen to the word's best feel-good musical? Everything is perfect.

Well, not everything…

Last week, Mercedes told us that Finn isn't Quinn's baby-daddy, it's Puck.

Immediate reaction – Oh my god, I have to tell Finn, it'll break them up instantly!

But something, something way back in my head told me that wasn't the best idea.

"What?" you ask? "But he'll be yours in a heartbeat!"

Ha. As much as I'd like to say that's true, it's not.

It would kill our chance at Sectionals. How were we supposed to perform if everyone was mad at each other? Practically impossible. Does that make me selfish? Am I a horrible person because I thought of winning before Finn's feelings? It's not that I don't care about him, because I do, dammit, I care about him so much. But he cares about Glee club too. We all do. I wanted to have sectionals be a good experience. Well, it's not like it matters. Rachel told him and all hell broke loose anyway. It all worked out though, thanks to none other than Finn and his classic rock genius.

How he and Quinn are no longer the "it" couple…

Hmm…

See, this is when I get bombarded with images and fantasies of him crying on my shoulder and then I gently pick up his chin and wipe his tears with my thumb and he smiles at me and I smile back and we laugh and then I lean in slowly and kiss him and he tastes like Sour Patch Kids and smells like laundry detergent and firewood and then he kisses me back and I wrap my arms around his neck and he pulls me closer and runs his hand through my hair and…

*Sigh*

You see what I do to myself? This isn't healthy. I can't go on like this. I need to find someone else to fall hopelessly in love with, someone who will be able to return my feelings… ha, likely story in this cow town.

But I can't focus on the negative. We won, and that's all that matters, right?

* * *

** I apologize for my absence! I had to get through the holidays and midterm week. Hope you enjoyed this! This one goes along with Sectionals. I'll write a few filler ones in between now and April 13****th**** (my 14****th**** birthday and Glee comes back!) but then I'll go back to one per episode. I would LOVE it if you reviewed this! I'd appreciate some suggestions too :)**

** P.S. I'm about to start a new story about my ideal Back Nine. It's basically all canon ships (Wemma, Fichel, Quick, Artina, Brittana), some new characters (Don't worry, I checked them and they are Sue-free!) a Kurt love interest (squee!) and plus some of the things we already know will happen in the Back Nine (Idina, Groff!). So keep a look out for that! **

** Love you all, Marina :)**


	4. Boys, Boys, Boys

_Hey there sugar baby _

_Saw you twice at the pop show _

_You taste just like glitter mixed with rock and roll _

_I like you a lot, lot _

_Think you're really hot, hot!_

-

I think I just had an orgasm.

I'm not even joking.

Finn Hudson, why are you so fucking sexy?

I mean, how else am I supposed to react to you strutting around the choir room in your adorable cheap American Eagle hoodie with your seductive, dreamy baritenor voice? All I can say is: Thank goodness for my new, _long_ Marc Jacobs trench coat.

Ahh, he's a God. I want him. More than anything.

-

_Baby is a bad boy with some retro sneakers _

_Let's go see The Killers and make out in the bleachers _

_I like you a lot, lot _

_Think you're really hot, hot!_

-

I know it's silly, but sometimes I like to pretend he's singing to me. When he reaches my seat in the choir room, he'll sweep me off my feet and whisk me away to some private room where he'll continue to sing in my ear: "Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name?"

Hello, Finn Hudson. I love you too. My name is Kurt Hummel and you are absolutely delicious.

-

_I'm not loose, I like to party _

_Let's get lost in your Ferrari _

_Not psychotic or dramatic _

_I like boys and that is that._

-

I'm not even gonna pretend to understand what's going on between him and Rachel. They're dating, he dumps her (smart move), she picks up another guy (who's _totally_ playing her), and now he wants her back?! And she _rejects _him!? Rachel Berry, you are a stupid, _stupid_ little girl. You have the hottest guy in the entire Midwest eating out of your fingers and you _reject _him!?

Well, I guess that just means more for me. And how will I accomplish that, you ask?

Oh, I have a plan.

What is it?

I can't tell you. But you'll find out soon enough.

If everything goes right, there will be a wedding at the end of the tunnel… and _no, _it's not mine and Finn's.

(Not that it's legal, anyway. Stupid Ohio)

* * *

Glee is BAAAAAACK! This one goes to Hell-O. Kurt's face while Finn was singing Hello, I Love You was priceless. The song is Boys Boys Boys by Lady GaGa. I would love some reviews! :)


	5. Dreaming With a Broken Heart

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart _

_The giving up is the hardest part _

_She takes you in with her crying eyes _

_Then all at once you have to say goodbye _

_Wondering could you stay my love? _

_Will you wake up by my side? _

_No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...._

* * *

Happy Mother's Day, mom. It's a really sunny day with a breeze, you would've liked it. We could sit outside with cucumber sandwiches and discuss the Tony noms. They were announced last week. _Promises, Promises_ got nominated for best choreography. I wish you were here to teach it to me, like you used to. _American Idiot_ also got nominated for best musical. You would've liked it, considering how much you liked Green Day. I used to hate them because they sounded too angry and loud, but now I like them. Especially the American Idiot soundtrack. It's a lot more theatrical.

I brought daisies to your grave. They look really pretty. I saw another girl there and she smiled at me. I didn't smile back. I didn't really feel like smiling.

Dad's locked in his room, not really talking to anyone, as usual. You would've known how to make him feel better. You always knew how to make everyone feel better.

I ate ice cream. I really shouldn't have but I did. Coach Sylvester said I should lose a few pounds, and the tub of strawberry Ben N' Jerry's I ate isn't going to help. I remember that was your favorite flavor. Mine was chocolate, but you didn't like chocolate. I don't really like chocolate anymore either.

Finn's celebrating with Carole. Part of me wants to go celebrate with them, but that would in insensitive to you, of course. Besides, even though Carole is pretty cool, we both know who I would _really_ want to be hanging out with. I really love him mom. I hate myself for it but I really do. I know you're probably sick of hearing that but you're the only person I've ever told.

It's around 6:30 now. I should get something ready for dinner. Maybe I'll make vegetable lasagna. That was your favorite. Or maybe I'll just order a pizza. Screw Coach Sylvester and her diet plans.

I love you mommy. Happy Mother's Day. I wish you were here.

* * *

Sorry if I've seriously bummed anyone out. I just felt the need to write this. I didn't write one for PoM, Home or Bad Rep because they had lots of Kurt in them and I didn't think anything needed to be added :)

Happy Mother's Day :)

The song is "Dreaming With a Broken Heart" by John Mayer


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